It doesn’t really matter how pregnant you are. Or whether or not you’re pregnant at all, for that matter.
It doesn’t really matter that you’re craving strange foods, like peanut butter rice krispie bars with death by chocolate frosting.
It doesn’t really matter that you’re scared. Or anxious. Or tired of battling your inner demons.
Eating 3/4 of a bag of Chili Cheese Frito’s in one sitting is never, ever a good idea.
You’re welcome.
Thanks for the encouragement. I’m trying to take it really easy, and I’m feeling a little less blue today.
Well, I’m still blue, but that’s because my circulation is frozen from the -42 air temperature.
I’m still bleeding a little, but it seems to have slowed up. And no more clots, so I’m hoping the worst of it is over & my cervix was just acting up. I’m not really cramping – just having an occasional “twinge” in my pelvis; but I think that’s just my uterus flexing it’s muscle.
The ultrasound next Thursday seems so far away. But The Husband gets home on Friday, and I can’t wait to have him back here with me. Even though it’s short-lived (he ships out for Argentina on the 19th, so he’s only home for 9 days).
I’ve stopped reading my pregnancy books, for now. “What to Expect” was putting fear in my heart, and I don’t want the added stress. My imagination went berserk after reading about all the complications in pregnancy & causes for concern. The prenatal nurse gave me a big bag of pamplets & binders & useful information, but I’ve tossed all that aside, too.
Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I can’t change it. I didn’t cause it, and I can’t help it.
All I can do is hope for the best.
And I do. I really, really do.
Today was a bad day. But I think the worst may be yet to come.
I’m still bleeding; and I mistakenly assumed the blood was urinary from the kidney stones or the bladder infection.
The gynie gave me a quick pelvic exam, and determined the blood is vaginal.
He diagnosed me with a “Threatened Miscarriage”. Just hearing him say the words out loud made me want to yelp in pain, like a little dog who’s been kicked in the belly.
He also said the kidney stones probably don’t have anything to do with it. I did spike a short fever when I was vomiting & had to get IV fluids at the hospital for dehydration, but neither should make me lose the pregnancy. I’ve taken vicodin and tylenol and blood pressure meds, but all were deemed safe for pregnancy.
I had to tell my husband that we may lose our baby via instant messenger. Goddamn his company for sending him to Peru, when I really need him here.
There’s nothing we can do, except wait and see. And hope for the best. And pray. I go back for another ultrasound next Thursday (February 7th).
It’s going to be a long ten days.
In the meantime, I have to attend a baby shower on Saturday & need to finalize the arrangements for my sister-in-law’s baby shower on the 23rd.
Every little twinge or cramp has me running to the bathroom. I’m trying really hard to stay positive, even though I want to let my sadness surround me like a warm, comforting blanket.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate not knowing, and I feel like admitting that I could have a miscarriage will make it happen. Yet I want to prepare myself for the worst, just in case.
I heard the heart beating. What kind of a cruel, heartless God would take this pregnancy away from me?????
I’ve been sitting here for the last hour, trying to come up with the right words for my sister-in-law’s baby shower invitations.
Since infertility first struck my blackened little heart, I’ve avoided baby showers like the plague. They always involved heartache and a lot of tears; either when someone asked when we were going to start trying, or when the guest of honor opened her delicious little sleepers and onesies. It was easier to stay home and bury my sorrows with a single-serving pint of Ben & Jerry’s pistachio pistachio.
So now, I’m at a loss for how to design her invitations. I bought some cute stationery with pastel baby feet dancing around the borders, but the right words just aren’t coming to mind. She’s due in mid-April, and they don’t want to know if they’re having a boy or a girl.
I don’t understand that whole concept, either. How can you not want to know what you’re having????? I can hardly wait for our next ultrasound, some 12 weeks away, when we can find out if we should be thinking pink or blue. I feel like we’ll bond more, somehow, knowing if I’m carrying a Mason or a Grace.
If you have any ideas on what to do with the invites, please let me know. My creative juices are all flowing into my pelvis, apparently, along with 99% of my blood supply and brain cells.
On our way home from the ultrasound.
Dad: “Hey! Are you warm enough back there?”
Me: “Yeah. I’m okay. You know I’m heating for two!!!”
The ultrasound was a smashing success! There’s only one baby in there (thank you God!!!!!), and it has a strong, healthy heartbeat. It’s really more of a “swoosh, swoosh, swoosh” – like listening to your own heartbeat at the bottom of the ocean.
I was shaking all morning; worried that the kidney stones and short-lived fever had somehow damaged the pregnancy. And really nervous that the ultrasound was going to be painful. My girly bits are extremely tender from this damn bladder infection (and the accompanying diarrhea, courtesy of the antibiotics), and I knew the transvaginal ultrasound wand was the size of 600-year-old oak tree.
Granted, on it’s own that thing doesn’t look that bad. But let’s not forget that they have to twist & turn it, to try and get the clearest picture of the baby. It goes from nestling peacefully in your butt crack to rammed against your urethra in one painful swipe!
And guess who got the ultrasound trainee????? She’s done “hundreds” of external ultrasounds, but only one other internal one. I’m not sure which was shaking more: her hands or my knees.
But, it all came out okay. She took the necessary measurements, gave me a couple of pictures, and sent me on my merry way.
After the ultrasound, we stopped at Perkin’s for breakfast. Normally, I’m not a breakfast person. The thought of eating eggs turns my stomach, & I typically order a sandwich or a salad off the menu. Today, however, I decided to chance it & ordered the Country Fried Chicken Biscuit Breakfast. Oh, sweet Jesus. It was pretty much a heart attack on a plate, but mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
Two homemade biscuits, each with a piece of fried chicken steak in the middle. Smothered in sage & sausage gravy. And served with a side of breakfast potatoes, two eggs, and two pieces of bacon. I ate one of the biscuits, most of the potatoes, & the scrambled eggs and was STUFFED.
Then I came home & took a nap.
Life is good. Really, really good. 
)
I had my poor old Dad haul me back to the urgent care clinic last night. I’d been urinating more frequently all day, but started passing A LOT of blood in the afternoon. With clots.
I think anytime you’re pregnant and pee blood (with or without chunks), you’re bound to panic & want an immediate diagnosis. I managed to pee in the little cup (and all over my hand and the back of the toilet), got checked over by the doctor, and got diagnosed with a post-kidney-stone bladder infection. One prescription for antibiotics later, and we were on our way home.
I’m still passing a lot of blood today; and even though it seems to be coming from my urine, it scares me to death. I called The Gynie God, and his nurse said everything should be fine……as long as I’m not cramping with the blood. Which I’m not. She said my uterus would be spasming like crazy if I were losing the pregnancy, since the embryo is well attached at seven weeks.
Nonetheless, they rescheduled my ultrasound for tomorrow morning. Just in case there is a problem. The Gynie God is going to be out of the office on Friday (the day of the original ultrasound); but wants to be there in case I have any questions or concerns.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining (and I’m beyond grateful for the miracle of this pregnancy), but where the hell is this “Joy of Pregnancy” everyone is always talking about?????????? My skin isn’t glowing. My hair isn’t extra luxurious or shiny or silky. I passed 2 excruciating kidney stones in 7 days, with 2 trips to the emergency room. I’m peeing blood and I’ve got the runs from the antibiotics.
It’ll come, though; right? Before delivery?
Sorry I haven’t been updating. I had 2 trips to the emergency room over the weekend, followed by another bad day today.
Friday night, I was having INTENSE, stabbing pains in my lower back. At 9:00 p.m., I called my parents & had them haul me to the emergency room, some 30 minutes away. The ride to the hospital was really hard – I was stuck in the backseat, and the bumps in the road sent waves of pain up from my toes to my head.
And my Dad. My dear, old Dad couldn’t bring himself to drive over 70 mph on the highway (the speed limit is 65). I didn’t want to say anything, because I was extremely grateful for the ride……..but I wish he would have driven like a normal emergency room driver. Too fast and erratic.
By the time we got to the hospital, my pain was easing up (from a level 10 down to a level 6). It still hurt, but it was manageable. I turned down the pain medication, and they sent me home with a prescription for vicodin and strict orders to drink plenty of liquids.
Saturday morning, I was feeling a bit better. I was still in some pain, but it was tolerable with the vicodin. Until Saturday night.
About 5:00 p.m., I started vomiting. Vegetable soup for dinner? Came back up. Water, cranberry juice, orange juice, lemonade? All came back up.
Sunday morning, I called my parents & again asked them to take me to the emergency room. This time, it was much, much worse.
For starters, they couldn’t find my veins. I was severely dehydrated from all that throwing up, & it took 4 nurses/technicians repeated stabs in my arms before one was successful. I took 2 full bags of IV fluid & got whisked away for another abdominal ultrasound.
Unfortunately, they weren’t able to spot the stone. I guess this is common in ultrasounds – they’re not powerful enough to pick up smaller stones; but x-rays are out of the question in early pregnancy. They wheeled me back to the emergency area & told me to rest while they consulted a surgeon.
While I was waiting, they gave me a short of morphine & a shot of some anti-nausea drug. I can honestly say that I don’t understand the broohaha surrounding morphine. Yeah, it took the pain away. But it certainly wouldn’t cause me to hold up the local 7-11.
The surgeon came in, & said he was worried about my appendix. My white blood cell count was through the roof. He wanted to consult with the ob/gyn on call, but thought I needed to consider the possibility of surgery. However, I would lose the pregnancy with surgery. The baby is too small to take any kind of anesthesia this early on, and there was no way to avoid a miscarriage if surgery was determined to be the best course of action.
Fortunately, the ob/gyn said they should send me home for the night, with strict instructions to return to the hospital if the pain got severe again. I was also told to schedule a follow-up visit with the surgeon, just to check my labs again in the morning.
I actually felt pretty good last night. The pain had all but subsided, leading me to believe that the IV fluids had pushed the stone through into my bladder. I came home, crawled in bed, and slept fitfully through the night.
This morning, I went back to the surgeon’s office for another blood draw. Fortunately, my bloodwork came back normal, & my white blood cell count returned to normal.
My parents & I stopped to grab a quick bite to eat (my first real food in a week!), and headed home for an afternoon of relaxation.
About 12:30, another sharp pain started near my right kidney. I can’t freaking believe it……….but I have another stone.
I called the surgeon who referred me back to The Gynie God. I spoke with the nurse, & she said to drink plenty of fluids, take warm baths or showers, and use a low heating pad to help with the pain. She also called in a refill for the vicodin, and said to come back to the hospital if it stopped working or if I started vomiting again.
That was at 4:00. I’m still in pain, but I think the stone is heading to my bladder. I can feel it, but I’m trying really hard to stay calm.
About half an hour ago, I went to the bathroom & noticed some dark brown blood when I wiped. Now, I’m also terrified that I’m going to miscarry. All this pain & stress can’t be good for the pregnancy; and I wonder about the effects of the narcotics.
If you pray, please include us in your prayers. I’m not going to head to the hospital until tomorrow. It’s been snowing all day here, and the roads are covered with 7+” of snow, making travel extremely hazardous.
I’m scared. Moreso than I’ve ever been before. I’ll come back and update as soon as I can.
Well, I followed my bland, low-fat diet to a “T” yesterday. And still suffered a series of painful attacks. None as severe as the one Monday night; but I still had mild to moderate pain throughout the entire day.
I called The Gynie God, and my infertility nurse scheduled me for a gallbladder ultrasound on Monday morning. She said to eat very low fat meals (yeah, because the 3 grams of fat I had at each meal/snack yesterday were sooooo indulgent!), and to stop eating & drinking at midnight Sunday night. No problem, right?
I had 2 cups of plain pasta for dinner at 5:30 last night. No butter, no sauce, no olive oil, no salt. I should have saved myself the calories and eaten packing peanuts instead. I felt fine until about 10:45, then WHAM!, another sharp, stabbing pain in my right side. It only lasted about an hour, and I fell into an exhausted sleep around midnight.
I got up at 7:00 this morning, and scarfed down a banana with a small glass of water. About 15 minutes later, I was in agony. I thought fresh fruits & vegetables were the best thing for a gallstone!!! I called central scheduling at the hospital, and left a message saying that I needed to have the ultrasound done TODAY. There was no way I could wait until Monday.
About 10:00, they finally called me back & said I could get in at a different hospital at 1:00. I was instructed not to eat or drink anything else before the ultrasound, and to get there about 15 minutes early to verify insurance paperwork, etc.
I had my Dad drive me, because my side was still smarting from the attack this morning. I was also worried they were going to find hundreds of gallstones, necessitating immediate surgery. I spent the better part of the morning researching surgery while pregnant, and the high rate of spontaneous miscarriage from the anesthesia scared me to death (because it hits the baby before it hits you, and their little bodies can’t take it). Then again, 34 more weeks of agony didn’t seem like a reasonable alternative.
We arrived at the hospital almost 30 minutes ahead of schedule, and settled into the waiting room for my turn with the ultrasound. Dad sat and worked on his sudoku puzzles, and I halfheartedly flipped through an old Oprah magazine.
After about 10 minutes, the technician brought me back, and spread the oozy, warm jelly on my upper & lower abdomen. She checked my gallbladder right off the bat, and said that she could only see about 5 or 6 stones. I was shocked, because she was checking high on my rib cage, and the pain was lower on my belly. She also said that my gallbladder didn’t look inflamed or irritated, and none of the stones were blocking any ducts or anything. What the hell?????
She kept oozing and scanning, oozing and scanning; stopping only to take pictures with the ultrasound machine. I told her that I had had kidney stones once before, about 12 years ago; and she said that kidney stones can be recurring, and that we may have just found the problem.
She put the wand over my right kidney, and said there was a buildup of fluid around the tube, indicating a possible blockage. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to spot a stone, though; so I don’t know if it’s still in there, or if I’ve already passed it.
I think it’s still in there. I came home & drank a big glass of water, and I’m having pain on my lower right side again. I’m just sitting around, waiting for the doctor to call and tell me my next move.
I’m extremely relieved it’s not my gallbladder. I know there are natural remedies for kidney stones, even though passing them can be excruciatingly painful. The irony, of course, is that I’ve been drinking at least 8 ounces of cranberry juice every day, to try & stave off a bladder infection.
For now, I’m going to try & up my water intake even more. I’ve been sure to get 64 ounces daily, but I’m going to try & increase that even further.
If you need me, I’ll be tethered to the toilet.
They say bad things happen in three’s. After the events of today, I can certainly attest to that piece of superstitious trivia.
I got up early this morning, because the house was in dire need of a vacuum. Pregnancy exhaustion is starting to set in, and I’ve been slacking in the household tidiness department. I can’t help it, though. The mere act of turning on the shower seems to drain my energy reserves, and putting on my shoes makes me want to curl up on the couch and sleep for 6 or 7 hours. However, the tumbleweeds of dog hair blowing across the carpet in the living room AND the dining area AND the master bedroom were starting to present a fire hazard; so I knew I had to act fast.
Before I started, though, I decided I was hungry & made myself a little sandwich. Two slices of whole wheat cottage bread, two tablespoons of light mayo, and a couple pieces of deli ham. About 30 minutes later, WHAM!!! More gallbladder discomfort. Not enough to qualify as a full-blown attack……….but I did have some dull pain in my lower belly for about an hour. Sigh. This is getting really old.
I started researching things I could do to keep my gallbladder from flaring up again, and every site I stumbled on suggested a very bland, low-fat diet. Yeah, this might be a little more difficult than I thought. No tomatoes or tomato-based sauces. No onions. No spices. No deli meat. No red meat. No chocolate. No ice cream. No eggs. Try to limit each meal to 6-8 grams of fat. And let’s not forget that I’m pregnant, so I need to get enough milk each day. The doctor suggested drinking whole milk, because it has less hormones and additives than 1% or skim. But whole milk has 8 fat grams per cup, and 2% only has 5.
I had to run to the grocery store anyway, since Snowstorm Dammit Daniel is expected to move in tonight, leaving 5 to 9 inches of snow in it’s wake. Travel is expected to be treacherous tomorrow, so I headed to the nearest shopping center for milk, bread, and laundry detergent. And pasta. Lots and lots of pasta. Why? Because it’s low in fat, easy to digest, and keeps me somewhat full. And 3 boxes of saltines crackers, because I’m sure morning sickness will be rearing it’s ugly head in the very near future.
Upon returning from the grocery store, my mother called to tell me that my aunt was in the hospital. She’s had a hiatal hernia on her belly for a couple of years, and it burst this morning. The hospital staff called and said the surgery was life-threatening, but they had to open her up and go ahead with it. Who knew that hernia’s could be life-threatening??????????
Anyway, she came through the surgery fine, and is expected to make a full recovery. However, the thought of losing a family member made me realize that we should start telling people about the pregnancy. My family has been behind us through the ups & downs of infertility, and I feel like I should give them a chance to share in the joy of this baby. Or babies.
And the third event of the day? I stumbled walking out of the garage this afternoon, and crashed my hand into the back of my car. I broke the red plastic lens on the taillight trying to break my fall, and have to pay $150 to have it replaced. One hundred and fifty dollars for a stupid piece of red plastic. Thank you, Toyota. I’m so tempted to duct tape it back together and drive around town like a redneck ghetto princess, but the cops would probably haul me off to the women’s prison.
